#This has been a text post
Today has been one of those days where I am generally in a bad mood for no real reason and I hate myself for it.
(For example, I didn’t want to get annoyed when my stepfather asked me to nip down to the shops for him to get beer but clearly my face must have shown I was because my mother yelled at me for being ungrateful for everything he does. Which I’m not, and I wanted to say “to be honest I don’t know why I’m annoyed either” but that would have just led to a full-scale argument, so I just kept my mouth shut and drove to the shops, where I proceeded to park really badly and get annoyed about that. Then I finally got back with the beers and my stepfather says “oh, you got cans, I wanted bottles”, and now I have to sit through a meal with my stepfather’s colleagues who will ask me inane things like “What are you going to do after music college?” and “Do you have a boyfriend?” because god knows it’s impossible for regular people to be bisexual/not straight)
a) I’m really, really sick of being home because whilst I do appreciate everything my parents have done for me I don’t feel like I belong here any more, which makes me unhappy all the time
b) I’m stuck in a practice rut and can’t play my orchestral excerpts
c) I want to be anywhere but here but I also want an idea of where I want to be within that, because “anywhere” is vast and I feel like I am drifting in it without any ambition or direction and that is kind of scary because I thought I knew what I wanted, and now I’m not sure if I do
"I was twenty-one at the time, about to turn twenty-two. No prospect of graduating soon, and yet no reason to quit school. Caught in the most curiously depressing circumstances. For months I’d been stuck, unable to take one step in any new direction. The world kept moving on; I alone was at a standstill. In the autumn, everything took a desolate cast, the colors swiftly fading before my eyes. The sunlight, the smell of the grass, the faintest patter of rain, everything got on my nerves. How many times did I dream of catching a train at night?"
#no no nope
#slightly too real